Two-months old: Hernia Repair
One and half years old: Pinky lesion removed
Two and a half years old: TWO major brain surgeries, trach placement for breathing machine, G tube for feeds placed
Three years old: porta-cath placement
And now…. Neuro surgery tells me he may need a Shunt placed in his head.
I woke up the other morning and went to Adam’s bed side. His eyes opened slowly and closed just as slow. I’ve seen that look before. He’s fighting something, I thought immediatly. This is the look of, “mommy I don’t feels so good”.
So here we are at UCLA PICU again. The third hospitalization since the “BIG ONE”.
I was sure he had a respitory infection… But the need for a shunt? This one I didn’t see coming.
Another surgery? More hard ware place in his head!
What are we fighting for?? What if this child’s body is just not able to go on? Does a mother let her child die or make him fight? Does she hold on to hope like nothing else and do everything in her power to hang on to the possible chance of recovery? Or will she simply recognize the signs of her child asking to be let go? How long will this go on for?
How far will I go? How far can he go? I can’t imagine my life without him. He has become my all consuming mission.
But what if this fight is more for me than him. What if he’s truly tiring out? Will I protect his right to give up if he wants or will I become so lost in all this that I misinterpret the signs?
Dear God this is just too much…